I'm Useless...
I haven't been of any help to the community at all. 

Let me explain.

      My failure of trying to maintain the first community advisors group is just one of many blunders I have gone through on the server. When Xeon entrusted me with the position of Head Community Advisor half a year later what did I do? Fucking failed. Not only did HARDLY ANYTHING get done on the second time around, I was essentially fired from the position and am the sole person responsible for failing my community a second time. 
       I was then put into the Marketers group of staff and a combination of being short on time, short on dedication, and the lack of ANY motivation quickly led me to being fired from the position. I didn't do jack shit on the Marketer position and am disappointed in no one but myself for being booted off the Marketer staff group.

       After the loss of the job, I lost any of the little motivation I had left and proceeded to turn into a hateful, rude, and harsh person in the community. This includes getting into stupid arguments with random community members, spewing worthless messages in the chat, and simply being rude on the server. The mixture of hate, disappointment, and lack of self-confidence turned me from an eager-to-play regular on the server to an online Grinch that harasses other people on the server to feel better about myself.

       This descending spiral into a toxic, rude, and useless player on the server has hit rock-bottom for me since hearing what other community members think about me on the live panel discussion for moderator applications. Did my application for moderator go through? No, I fucking failed. The ratings on my application were simply a reflection of who I've become on the server and the truth hurt. In reality, the server I called home and spent so many hours on didn't need me. No one in the community is interested in a pessimistic, toxic, and rude player on the server and quite certainly not for moderator either.

      At this point I'm not sure what to do. I've already failed my community 3 times over, turned into a online Grinch on the server, and most importantly lost my confidence that the community believed in me. After all, why would they? Everyone knows what kind of person I am on the server. Everyone knows I'm a failure. Everyone knows I'm a useless part of the server. I've lost belief in myself on my ability to try and improve the community. The biggest flaw I have is that I can't handle failure let alone failing 3 times over, and that has turned me into a shadow of the friendly, chatty person I used to be on the server. 

      In an attempt to contribute and better the server, I have failed myself and more importantly, all of you.
I can understand the disinterest in the game and the server and all, but I have to disagree with you saying you didn't do anything. Do you think I forgot how you tried to get people to listen to you when you were making the 'conveyor belt system' with community advisors? This is your community as much as it is anybody's. We have no expectations for anybody, let alone a bunch of volunteers created on a TF2 server's group. Likewise, there were no expectations for you coming out of the gate, and the fact that you hold yourself to the standard that you do speaks volumes about who you are as a human being. Stay resourceful and stay savvy. Just because you didn't make it on the panel doesn't mean the community despises you. People were thinking about how you might act on the job, not just how you would act as a person (that separation is key).

I personally think you are setting the bar a bit high for yourself. You wanted Mod, but now think that everyone hates you because you didn't get it. See, the thing is, nobody is entrusted with Moderator unless they show initiative and kindness towards the people they moderate. That mentality that anybody can do it is false. It takes hard work, dedication, and time, just like being a Marketer or Developer. All people were seeing is that you couldn't do one or more of those things within the context of a Moderator.

Probably the biggest thing I'm going to want you to see from this is that people don't think of you like how you think, and you can't assume such things. Ask 3 people on the server what they think of you, any random 3, and I can guarantee you they would say "I'm not entirely sure who you are" more often than they would say "Oh, this guy..." Trust in people to see past mistakes, it'll take you further than blatantly trusting them to tear you to shreds. We're on your side, my boyo. Your trade tips are on point, everyone respects your expertise in past group affairs, and everyone deserves another chance, especially in an online community where we actively shape lives within and without.
I turned people against each other, I went on a rampage of abuse when my old server was being shut down for what we saw being the forseeable future.

And guess what, when it came back I made my apologies and within a few months I was running the server as head admin and later owner.

Don't focus on the past, you can't do anything about that. Focus on the now, cause that's all you can work on.
Hey man, it's going to be okay! I know what it feels like to be seriously disappointed or booted from a job. I just applied for moderator for the second time and I didn't make it either. I'm really sorry about being kicked out of marketer. You are a very nice person and I don't really understand why you got kicked from your job. I have heard of your excellent ideas and your great reputation. Just forget about it and be the awesome person you are.
(09-15-2017, 12:14 AM)SniperVipe er Wrote: Hey man, it's going to be okay!  I know what it feels like to be seriously  disappointed or booted from a job.  I just applied for moderator for the second time and I didn't make it either.  I'm really sorry being kicked out of marketer.  You are a very nice person and I don't really understand why you got kicked from your job.  I have heard of your excellent ideas and your great reputation.  Just forget about it and be the awesome person you are.  

Get out of your head about it man.
I got sunshine, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tHdw2E3GCS4
I've had related issues in school, but I ended up doing pretty well and do you want to know why? I put in INITIATIVE. I know it sounds cheesy but it can make the difference between a deadbeat slacker or a expert in their craft. Keep at it and show initiative, I KNOW you can do it!

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